“I’ve learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel.” — Maya Angelou
As I write this, my daughter’s wedding is just days away. Soon, dozens of guests will be arriving from out of town. Being the host, I feel responsible for all of them. I want to make sure they’re well taken care of, fed, entertained, and ultimately glad they went to the effort and expense to come.
Why? Because, as poet Maya Angelou said, how you make others feel is what they will remember. And for this wedding, and really for any party I host, I want high marks. Thus, my host mantra is — be gracious, be gracious, be gracious.
Graciousness is the ability to make others feel welcomed and comfortable, to anticipate their needs before they know they have them, and to do so in a way that appears natural and effortless.
That last part is the hitch. See, I as much as I would like every guest to believe this whole affair just magically happened, as if I pulled it all off with grace, ease and aplomb, without breaking a sweat, a fingernail or a budget, and without any cursing, insomnia or indigestion, because part of being gracious is to exude graciousness as easily as you exhale, as easily as a bird takes flight, that simply and hilariously isn’t the case.
My brain is a fret storm, a whirlwind of worries: Do we have enough boutonnières, Champagne, gluten-free options? Who all do I need to tip and how much?
What if Hurricane Helene turns around and comes back? What if guests start talking about politics? Can you see my Spanx line through my dress?
I go to sleep and wake up arranging and rearranging the seating plan. I try not to let this show.
As a sign of my mental overload, domestic details are sliding. I forgot the dog at the groomers. I left clothes in the washer for two days. I put my car keys in the vegetable bin. My husband warily asks, “Are you OK?”
“Yes. No.” I tell him. “I’m busy being gracious.”
As I ponder what it means to be a gracious host, and for that matter, a gracious guest, whether the occasion is an intimate dinner party or a large wedding, I thought this would be a good time for a graciousness refresher. Not only is this top of mind for me, but also, given that we have a contentious election coming up and soon after that the holidays, and because I’m betting graciousness will be in high demand and short supply, we all might benefit. So, I surveyed a few etiquette experts and polled some of my more sophisticated friends and gathered these graciousness guidelines for hosts and guests alike.
To be a gracious host …
1. Provide details. Anticipate your guests’ needs and address them before they ask. In addition to the time, date and place of an event, guests appreciate knowing the dress code, where to park, menu options, and where to stay.
2. Focus on comfort. If the party is outside, have baskets of blankets out if it’s chilly. Make sure you have enough seating, food and drink. For overnight guests, take care to make the guestroom hotel clean and ready.
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3. Make guests feel personally acknowledged. I just went to a bridal shower where the hostess had wine charms with each guest’s name on the stemware. That small but personal touch made me feel so welcome. “Oh, they’re expecting me!” With large groups, try to remember names and ask guests about themselves. And remember: The person who talks the most typically has the best time.
4. Skirt controversy. Nothing spoils a party faster than an argument. Hosts may need to interject to keep conversations agreeable. With a heated presidential election coming up, getting guests to talk of something else will be important and maybe difficult. Just remember, whatever one person thinks, roughly half the nation thinks otherwise. The goal of the party is not to change minds, but to have a delightful time.
5. Make it all look effortless.
To be a gracious guest …
1. RSVP promptly. If you receive an invitation, tell the host as soon as possible whether you will attend or not. Don’t leave them hanging or make them chase you down.
2. Don’t come empty-handed. If you’re attending a wedding or a shower, a gift that day or sent in advance is enough. But if you’re a party or dinner guest, a small hostess gift, such as a bottle of wine, a box of confections, some homemade pumpkin bread, flowers from your yard or a scented candle, is a nice gesture.
3. Don’t bring uninvited others. Unless specifically stated, don’t assume your plus one or kids are invited.
4. Be present. Please put your phone away. Even better, turn it off. Take out your air pods and refrain from photographing yourself excessively. Great guests engage, make polite conversation, and put the focus on others by showing an interest in them.
5. Dress respectfully. Honor your hosts by dressing appropriately. When in doubt, level up. Tuck in and iron what should be tucked in and ironed. Men, take your hats off indoors.
6. Reciprocate. If someone invites you to their home for dinner, return the favor. If you don’t cook, take them to a sporting event.
7. Send a thank you note. If someone gives you a gift, including the gift of a lovely night out, mail a handwritten thank you note. This is not a passé gesture. Graciousness never goes out of style.
Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m surely forgetting something …
Marni Jameson is the author of seven home improvement books. Reach her at marnijameson.com.